Its odd to sit and wonder, at 40, what I should be doing with my life, trying to find something to scribble down. Pardon my scattered thought process, Ive had a lot of free time lately…Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve become an actor, but then I realize that I’m not so charismatic…then I think I should’ve been in a band, but then I remember I cannot sing, nor play any instruments…No matter how many scenarios I come up with, I stop and realize that I’m on this never ending journey of redundancy, searching for whom I should remove my ear and send via post or simply sit in an obscure corner of some of the beat coffee shop rambling to myself in languages only I can understand whilst people stare at me as if I am batshit mental…winter is coming and I so completely unprepared…-MB
As some of you may know, earlier this year, I loaned one of my sketchbooks to the University of Rochester in New York for a display and show about mystical and magical languages, which has been a highlight for me in recent years. After the physical show ended, they built a website based on the show. The site is a spotlight on mystical and magical languages focusing primarily on languages that have been artificially constructed, or conlangs for short. The cover art is an exert from the same piece I loaned the university.
It has been quite a while since the last time I have posted anything on this site. Call it lack of focus, too much going on, or just plain laziness, call it whatever you want. I have been drowning in other projects. I have been drowning in my own inability to focus to any degree or measure that would actually amount to anything tangible. Whatever time I have been able to focus, I have spent working on projects that are conlang related. I recently took part in an indiegogo fundraiser to help raise $$$ to help a friend fund his documentary on constructed languages. I made a couple of pieces, only one of which sold, but it sparked a bit of creative energy that has been illusive to me for some time now. this one sold in just a few hours and I will be mailing to London, England tomorrow…
This next one I made in the hopes of repeating the quick success of the first one, but to no avail. It still graces a shelf in my studio. If anyone would like it, I would be glad to put it in my store so you can have it…
If you have followed me on any of my blogs in the past few years, you know that I tend to suffer from long bouts of artist block, lack of creativity, and an extreme lack of focus that doesn’t make any creative endeavors easy. I have been working on my conlanging efforts as well as trying to compile notes for a fantasy book that I have been wanting to write, but will not do anything with until the writing that comes out matches the vision in my head. Focus has been an issue lately. Maybe it’s exhaustion from working 70 hours a week and commuting another 25, who knows? I even thought of starting yet another blog, don’t ask me why, that would be written from the perspective of one of the characters from my conworlding projects.
The trouble there is that I will have to create at an accelerated rate possibly far beyond my ability, or perceived ability. It is hard for me to put any of my work out to the world to face scrutiny. I don’t really care for the criticisms of others, but yet I keep putting my works out there knowing full well that it means nothing to anyone but myself. That is my conundrum. Do you think that there is a certain amount of narcissism involved to do this or no. I am the most not narcissistic person you will ever meet. I try to keep all forms of attention away from myself unless there is a specific purpose for me to do so. AAAAAAAAAAAH! Now I am starting to ramble incoherently. Time to go, will post again soon. -Mike
I can’t help but wonder how differently my life would be if I was the man I am now when I was in my early 20’s, or at least a vague resemblance of the same. When I was younger, I wanted to be an artist, but learned early on that success was usually accompanied by physical pain, usually at the hands of a few bullies, so I never pursued it. This has stuck with me into my adult years and I have never been able to shake it. This past Friday, I drove from Atlanta to Charlotte to go see Bring Me the Horizon at the Fillmore. It was the most brilliant spectacle of light and sonic brilliance. To see Ollie Sykes do what he does, has left me inspired. I think the reason I have surrounded myself with successful musicians, artists, and writers is because I can live vicariously through their successes, but I want that success for myself. Sadly, I don’t know how to get there. I wonder, however, if my time and my ship hasn’t already sailed. I am now in my late 30’s. I am plagued with crippling anxiety and cronic bouts with depression. I can’t help but wonder if I keep starting all of these little businesses out of a true desire to succeed or whether I am just using them as a temporary escape for the failings.Sometimes, I want more than anything to be someone other than who I am. Sometimes I just want to know what it feels like to have the admiration of the masses, but then remember that I am just me and somethings are just simply out of reach. That’s enough for my 4am introspections.
So, it has been yet another expanse of time since we last spoke. For the past few months, I have been in a creative rut of sorts. Whether due to exhaustion, anxiety, or a greater external variant, who can really say. For several months I worked on trying to build yet another clothing company, number 3 to be exact, but after 8 years of pushing, I decided to let that journey pass to the wayside. It seems that I am just not meant to go that route and sadly it took me this long to realize it. People that know me know that I have to always be working on something creative. It’s either that or my brain will atrophy and cease to function the way that the good Lord designed it to. What brings me joy? It’s really not a difficult question to answer. Sitting in my home office/pseudo-workshop simply creating little prop like items, nick-knack boxes of varying content and design elements is what gives me joy and for anything to bring me joy these days is a miracle from the hands of God. It’s doubtful that these little trinkets will ever amount to anything substantial enough to support myself with, but hey, stranger things have happened. I have a great many projects that I want to get started on and will as soon as I can get a day off from occupational necessities. I have been experimenting lately with varying mediums lately, trying to combine different embellishing techniques with either carvings and or pyrography. I’m hoping to find that glorious middle ground where my personal style can be established. It’s a neat thought to be able to establish a personal cannon for design and call it my own and to have it be recognizable to the outside world. Sometimes it is nice to have validation. I will post my projects as they are birthed. I am trying to get at least 10-12 new pieces completed my mid-July so stick around. Feel free to click that little button to your right and keep up with my updates. -Mike
I realize that for the past few months, nay years, I have not posted as regularly as I had originally planned to do when I started this blog. It seems that life has gotten in the way more times than I can count. I have built up the catalog of blogs, but soon after, scrapped everything for no apparent reason. This blog is supposed to be about my little scribbles taking on a life of their own, growing and blossoming into their own solvent creative bodies, but it seems that all I have posted is a bunch of meaningless half-thoughts and unfinished sketches. I am trying to write more and to share more with you, but it seems that I have a deep seeded fear of exposing myself. You may be wondering why it is that I am writing like this. Today is the beginning of a new chapter in my life and it has left my anxiety riddled and a little overwhelmed. After nine years with my job, I have just been promoted to general manager, a position that I have run from for as long as I can remember. There is just something ominous about everything now being on my shoulders. It is the first real step forward that I have made in almost a decade and it truly terrifies me. I never wanted to be in this position, but it seems that the powers that be have other plans for this journey. So I leave you with the scribble I jotted in my little notebook today. “Just do it. Be great! Just don’t forget to breathe.” Thank you all for being a part of this journey. Until next time. -The Mad Scribbler
It has been suggested by some that the act of creating art may stem from a deep seeded need to understand the world in ways that the normal person cannot. Although some do use art as a platform for social crusading, as a vehicle to convey a message or a purpose, it has been suggested that the artist creates as a means of obtaining some form of transcendental understanding of the world and the environment in which it is birthed. What if none of these apply to me as an artist? What if the sole purpose that I create is simply because I can? What if the only reason I create is because the act of creation is as fundamental to me as the act of taking breath? I create because I am hardwired to do so. The act of creating art is more natural to me as a means of communication than the broadest lexicon of any language I could ever hope to make use of. This applies to every form of art I engage in from painting, to illustration, to writing, to the creation of languages that do not exist outside of the realm of a tattered three-ring binder and the depths of my own imagination. I have reconciled myself to the notion that my art will most likely never achieve any level of status or position of note, at least not before my light is extinguished from this earth and the very traces of my existence have passed from both sight and recollection . So if you ask me why I create…I create because I have no choice. I create because If I do not, I cease to be. -The Mad Scribbler